For so long, I wanted to make sense of my
weaknesses or lack of understanding who I “should” be.
I didn't know that I could just “be”. Even through most
of my adult life I have struggled with the questions such as, “who am I?” and
“what is my purpose on this earth?” I would flounder from churches to
nightclubs trying to “find” myself. It didn't occur to me that
I needed to learn to love and forgive myself first. I went from friend to
friend, job to job, church to church, bar to bar trying to “fit in”. Each
situation would bring a short term satisfaction but there was almost always a
disconnect somewhere. I was looking in the wrong places.
I didn't think to look in the mirror! I didn't want
to get to know the true self that I was already inside of me.
I didn't think I would like her. I didn't think she
would let me have “fun” anymore. It just seemed to be too painful!
You see, I have fought depression and
anxiety my whole life. I didn't know that's what it was for a very long
time. I just didn't feel right so I would lash out in different ways:
alcohol, cigarettes, hanging with the wrong crowd, and self-sabotaging
just to name a few. I have always had superficial friendships and I've
always been a great faker! "Fake it till you make it" was a
mantra of mine for a long time. I grew up faking my feelings and emotions
so it is totally understandable that it continued into my adulthood. I
did have some close friendships but mostly my friendships were superficial and
more of a social convenience. There weren't many deep
conversations or there wasn't much accountability involved. Oh,
as you can imagine, I had ZERO boundaries. That would be until I met
Lisa. One of the pivotal moments in my life was when she dismissed me
from her life. She literally disappeared! Since I had such a
shallow understanding of friendships, I couldn't imagine what I had
done to cause this abrupt disconnection. Thankfully we ran into each
other a year or so later and she shared with me what happened. Our
conversation made me look at how I had treated her and how bad of a friend I
had been. In order to be her friend, I had to be “true”….true to her and
true to me. Lisa gave me the opportunity to be her friend again but this
time on terms that would benefit both of us. A true friendship! I
understand so clearly now why she did what she did. She was protecting
herself. She was making the right choices and she was tired of me not
being a true friend. She showed me that standing alone with your true self
is so much better than standing with a whole bunch of false friends. She
taught me how to go about being her friend again.
When I look back on this time in my life, I realized how naive I was. I didn't want to address anything that would crack the surface because then I may just crumble. Going deep was so bizarre to me that I thought it would reveal some things about me that I didn't want to address. I tried counseling many different times. I was so good at the faking thing, I would even fake out the counselors. It is ridiculous how much money I spent to be an hour of entertainment for these counselors. Through the many that I saw, there were a few that I actually learned from. I learned that my hurts are just that, hurts. They can be healed. I also learned that the ugliness of facing your inner most self can be freeing and result in seeing your fears, regrets and overall past as just another part of growing. I learned that my circumstances at that time didn't have to define me for life.
When I look back on this time in my life, I realized how naive I was. I didn't want to address anything that would crack the surface because then I may just crumble. Going deep was so bizarre to me that I thought it would reveal some things about me that I didn't want to address. I tried counseling many different times. I was so good at the faking thing, I would even fake out the counselors. It is ridiculous how much money I spent to be an hour of entertainment for these counselors. Through the many that I saw, there were a few that I actually learned from. I learned that my hurts are just that, hurts. They can be healed. I also learned that the ugliness of facing your inner most self can be freeing and result in seeing your fears, regrets and overall past as just another part of growing. I learned that my circumstances at that time didn't have to define me for life.
After fighting for nothing except fun and
short term self-fulfillment for most of my life I had finally started grounding
myself in all of the wonder that living a life of TRUE purpose and meaning can
bring! For several years now I have been building up to truly
understanding who I am, what I want and how I can grow from embracing my past
and then releasing it because that's what it is the Past. I was watching
Kung Fu Panda with my girlies and the turtle said, "Yesterday is History. Tomorrow
is a Mystery. But Today is a Gift, that's why they call it the
Present".
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