Why I Am Who I Am

     

     For so long, I wanted to make sense of my weaknesses or lack of understanding who I “should” be.  I didn't know that I could just “be”.  Even through most of my adult life I have struggled with the questions such as, “who am I?” and “what is my purpose on this earth?”  I would flounder from churches to nightclubs trying to “find” myself.  It didn't occur to me that I needed to learn to love and forgive myself first.  I went from friend to friend, job to job, church to church, bar to bar trying to “fit in”.  Each situation would bring a short term satisfaction but there was almost always a disconnect somewhere.  I was looking in the wrong places.  I didn't think to look in the mirror!  I didn't want to get to know the true self that I was already inside of me.  I didn't think I would like her.  I didn't think she would let me have “fun” anymore.  It just seemed to be too painful!       

     You see, I have fought depression and anxiety my whole life.  I didn't know that's what it was for a very long time.  I just didn't feel right so I would lash out in different ways:  alcohol, cigarettes, hanging with the wrong crowd, and self-sabotaging just to name a few.  I have always had superficial friendships and I've always been a great faker!  "Fake it till you make it" was a mantra of mine for a long time.  I grew up faking my feelings and emotions so it is totally understandable that it continued into my adulthood.  I did have some close friendships but mostly my friendships were superficial and more of a social convenience.  There weren't many deep conversations or there wasn't much accountability involved.  Oh, as you can imagine, I had ZERO boundaries.  That would be until I met Lisa.  One of the pivotal moments in my life was when she dismissed me from her life.  She literally disappeared!  Since I had such a shallow understanding of friendships, I couldn't imagine what I had done to cause this abrupt disconnection.  Thankfully we ran into each other a year or so later and she shared with me what happened.  Our conversation made me look at how I had treated her and how bad of a friend I had been.  In order to be her friend, I had to be “true”….true to her and true to me.  Lisa gave me the opportunity to be her friend again but this time on terms that would benefit both of us.  A true friendship!  I understand so clearly now why she did what she did.  She was protecting herself.  She was making the right choices and she was tired of me not being a true friend.  She showed me that standing alone with your true self is so much better than standing with a whole bunch of false friends.  She taught me how to go about being her friend again. 
     When I look back on this time in my life, I realized how naive I was.  I didn't want to address anything that would crack the surface because then I may just crumble.  Going deep was so bizarre to me that I thought it would reveal some things about me that I didn't want to address.  I tried counseling many different times.  I was so good at the faking thing, I would even fake out the counselors.  It is ridiculous how much money I spent to be an hour of entertainment for these counselors.  Through the many that I saw, there were a few that I actually learned from.  I learned that my hurts are just that, hurts.  They can be healed.  I also learned that the ugliness of facing your inner most self can be freeing and result in seeing your fears, regrets and overall past as just another part of growing.  I learned that my circumstances at that time didn't have to define me for life.  

     After fighting for nothing except fun and short term self-fulfillment for most of my life I had finally started grounding myself in all of the wonder that living a life of TRUE purpose and meaning can bring!  For several years now I have been building up to truly understanding who I am, what I want and how I can grow from embracing my past and then releasing it because that's what it is the Past.  I was watching Kung Fu Panda with my girlies and the turtle said, "Yesterday is History.  Tomorrow is a Mystery.  But Today is a Gift, that's why they call it the Present".

     Another pivotal moment in my life happened when I married my hubby!  I felt a shift in my life.  I was changing!  When my girls were born I felt a complete shake to my foundation.  I fought to not change!  I wanted to hold onto the shell.  I didn't want to follow the path of self-discovery.  It is shocking to me now how much I wanted to stay on the path of self-destruction, not on the positive path of self-discovery.  I was so glad that even though I wasn't following my destiny, I didn't stop trying and I didn't stop growing in my walk with the Lord.  Slowly but surely, I have come to the realization that I am THAT girl that I had been striving to be for so long.  I am living like God means for to!  I am a good friend!  I am not afraid and I don’t regret my painful past.  It is what has brought me to the fabulous place I am now.   I am strong, vibrant and happy because I lived through that time and I am here to share it or at least acknowledge it as part of me but not let it define me for who I am as a whole.  I am continuing to discover the blessings of what life has to offer!  All and all, my ultimate goal is to be the best wife, mom, daughter, sister, & friend that I can!  I want to cherish my moments!  All the moments in my life intertwined equals what you see and what you see is the real me.  No more fakin'!  No more stinkin' thinkin'!  No more fear!  Just being me.... 

 

Jeremiah 29:11  (NIV) ~ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

                   

Cinnamon Roll Goodness!

We had my brother-in-law, sister-in-law and nephew over for the night and so I wanted to make something for breakfast that was quick and yummy!  I enjoyed these so much, I had to share them with you!  So easy...So good!  It all starts with Grands Flaky Biscuits!  I hardly ever measure so if you are a specific kind of baker and follow a recipe word for word, stop reading right now.

Take the biscuits and make them as flat as you can, thin them out until they are kind of like pancakes.  I just smooshed them with my fingers.  I took each biscuit and coated it with a mixture of white sugar, brown sugar and cinnamon.  I coated it really good and then rolled it up and cut it into thirds.  Then I took a tiny muffin pan and put each third into a pocket.  I used the run off of sugar & cinnamon and poured it on top of each muffin.  Then I baked them as the packaging said.  While they were baking I made up a sugar glaze with confectioner sugar, melted butter and a couple of tablespoons of milk.  When the rolls were done I poured some glaze on top and let them cool just enough to grab and go!  Everyone really loved them!  I hope you enjoy them, too!  :)

  

The Plan...

We have accomplished quite a bit since arriving here on the Outer Banks!  The girls are registered for school.   I found a Mommy & Me group and joined it!  I was able to join a softball team.  We got our library cards.  My amazing mommy took care of all the details of getting the furniture to us and getting our house on the market!  Our house is now FULL!  I got my fishing license and we've fished a few times now.  Steve has continued to not feel good and feel like something terrible is wrong until a couple of days ago!  He has turned a corner and so shall I!  My Plan is to start getting this house into shape.  Today we have a play to go to and then tomorrow my sister-in-law is meeting to get the girls for a couple of days.  I'm going to work really hard to have lots of this house done by the time they get back on Saturday.  I have to get the downstairs stuff organized so that I know what I'm keeping to use now and what I'm keeping to pack away until who knows when.  There is a mountain of craft supplies that have to be organized.  Lots of clothes that have to be decided on and then organized for easy access.  Lots to do.  I'm going to face all of this with joy, why?  Because I have stuff to organize!  Because I have a roof over my head!  Because I am blessed!  It really should be fun if I go into it believing that it will be fun!  Sometimes it's just a mindset....

What is normal?

The normalcy of life is ever-changing.  The point of this blog, The Wright Route, is just to share periodically things that are working (or making didn't work) for us as the Wright Family.  I have enjoyed the "wright" name since we started dating.  I would answer people that asked, "yes, I am dating Mr. Wright!"  Oh and then I married Mr. Wright and I became Wright!  Life has been constantly strengthening our faith of God's plan for our lives.  We tried to have babies right after getting married.  We weren't able after 2 years of fertility treatments and almost 9 months to the day that we were told we were probably not going to get pregnant, our family of 2 became a family of 3 through adoption.  Brooke Ashlynn came into our world less than 24 hours old.  Fast forward just 15 months and we were blessed to grow once again through adoption as we welcomed Madilyn  Raine "Madi" to our clan.  Life as we knew it would never be the same.  We lived in a large home (2,642 sq ft) and I didn't "love" it.  It's the house that my groom had with his ex, it's the house that had two levels and lots of storage so my creative, artsy, pack rat self could store every nook and cranny with something that I would be doing in the future.  Ha!  The house didn't have much of a backyard to play in and it wasn't accessible from the main floor.  There wasn't an open floor plan so the kitchen was one room and the living room was another.  The girls actually slept in the dining room because I didn't want them on a different level and so...no closet.  I wasn't happy with an all white wall house so we had it painted.  Mucho better but still not my fave.  Let's fast forward to now...we live in 1,200 square feet of 3 story goodness.  It's a townhouse in the Outer Banks of NC.  Because of the lay of the land in this area almost all the houses have a first floor that is susceptible to flooding.  We live on the 2nd and 3rd floors.  There is some but not a lot of storage.  We have no backyard, it's a marina.  All the walls are white.  However, it does have an open layout so the kitchen is a part of the living room and so I can cook and hang out with the family at the same time.  Yea!  We moved here because it was supposed to be a promotion for my groom.  There are a lot of things that they did not account for him being in charge of once he got here.  The depression set in almost immediately upon his arrival.  I didn't know this because I was having my own issues having to leave the area that I had lived for over 20 years....I was leaving my family.  I would be living 16 hours away for gosh sake!  Ugh!  Then when he called and said I'm on my way to the ER, we literally dropped and ran.  We left all the unfinished packing and unfinished cleaning that still had to be done!  We left at 9:30p on Monday night and arrived just after 11a on Wednesday morning.  There were literally 3 choices of rentals that I could pick from.  The first 2 literally made me cry.  (I think I scared the poor rental manager)  The 3rd was it.  It's on a marina.  There's a pool, 2 tennis courts, a fitness room, a half of a basketball court, and a volley ball court to enjoy.  There are docks encircling all the neighborhood for big and small boats to maneuver in and out into the bay.  We are just a short bridge away from the ocean.  We have discovered a lot of fun open spaces since arriving.  Because the arrival was somewhat under duress we didn't have furniture or bedding.  We ordered 2 twin beds and a king size bed however only one of the twins was in, the others had to be ordered.  Then when it was supposed to be in, only one twin was ordered so they were nice to bring us a queen bed as a replacement for one more week to wait for our luxurious king bed.  We ordered a couch that would go with the recliner that we were able to get at that time.  I'm going with the Bama motif so red was my choice.  It's beautiful, leather and comfy!  And so it goes....we are here so we are going to make the best of it!  Gotta check out the lighthouses, the Aquarium, playgrounds, local artists & farmer's market events.  We will find a wonderful church!  We will make this a joyous time in our lives....I am determined!